When Writing Got Lonely

In my last-last post, I mentioned how my writing really got rolling when I began to RP on the EMS forum on Neopets. Kari grew into a real character there, and even after my time on Neopets ended, Kari and her stories remained.

I’ve known for a long time that I am not a “people person” (and maybe that explains Kari’s hold-ups, too). Growing up, I had few friends, and kept none between grades for the most part. The exception was a girl named Kit, who helped me to develop my writing even more. Thanks to a nightmare Kit had, Kari’s main antagonist came to exist in the form of Raven!

Aside from Kit, though, I had very few other outlets for my writing needs. I wrote pages upon pages of lore and plot (all of which are cringe-worthy to look at now), and even shared with some of my middle-school teachers. I wanted something to come of this, but I didn’t know what yet; I was writing Kari because I loved her and her adventures.

I remember starkly sitting in a class in high school, leaning over a notebook, sunlight streaming on lined pages, while I doodled a tiny, storming tornado. My passion burned, it was on fire, I wanted so badly to create something…but I couldn’t. I was stuck, lost. It was around this point in my life that I discovered boys (no surprise, love is a DISTRACTION), and Kit and I fell apart. I had no friends, and somehow, no ability to write, either.

Throughout these years of middle-school transition into high school and onward, I talked to my brother. He wrote on the side, but in quality of stories that I had, at the time, no dream of ever reaching. He was so much more analytical and, well…smart. My ideas were simple and bland in comparison. I admired him, and maybe I was a little jealous. As my life fluctuated, sometimes falling apart around me, he remained there. A silent sentinel to my life.

Early college days, he urged me to write again. I wish I could remember how the conversations started, but I only recall pulling out an old, red, folder with a few loose-leaf drawings of Raven and Kari (drawn by Kit), and telling my current boyfriend (an amateur artist) to draw them.

When he did, my characters came to life in new ways. I was mystified, and rejuvenated. I took my brother’s advice and worked on rewriting old stories, and thinking about new ones.

I think back a lot on those community college days. I had the biggest group of friends I’d ever had, but I was still so lonely. I never knew who I was, or who I wanted to be. I was going along with life, and I’d left a lot of what made me “me” behind, Kari included. It wasn’t until I began to dive into those worlds of mine, to really love and enjoy them again, that I realized I’d had my own place all along. I’d abandoned it, but it was there still. I could return to it, and I did.

Now, Kari has been alive for almost twenty years. I don’t know if her books will ever be traditionally published (I hope for it, but I am also very realistic), but I hope that one day I can share them with others. I hope that I can look back on this blog post and laugh, thinking about how lonely the life of a writer must be, but how it was okay. Kari had my back, just as she had since the beginning.